For some reason I've been reflective lately. Maybe it has to with the fact that Charlotte is almost the age where Emily was when Nathalie was born. Or maybe it's because I've been reading some wonderful blogs lately and deciding on how I really (
really) need to improve my mothering. Whatever the reason, these thoughts have led me to reflections on how I've grown since having children.
I remember once when Emily was about Charlotte's age. It was winter and I was showering. Emily came into the bathroom and left the door open, lowering the ambient temperature about 5 degrees. I yelled at her to close the door. She didn't. I yelled again. I got out of the shower and was furious (and freezing) to close the door myself.
What a stupid reaction. Emily must have been about 18 months old. Now, I can't even believe I yelled at her!
Of course she wouldn't have understood my anger. No, she would only have been hurt by it.
I used to spend a lot more time on the Internet than I do now. In fact, this week I got on facebook for the first time in 2 months. My fb fast was because of politics, actually, but I found that I enjoyed focusing on my family more. And I wasn't drawn to fb anymore. Or the internet. What is fb when compared to interacting with my girls?
As I watch the girls grow up I am amazed that time literally flies by. Even days I think will drag on somehow seem to end before I have a chance to blink. And when I wake up in the morning, Emily is a little taller, Nathalie knows more letter sounds and Charlotte can say 5 more words. The days used to drag on. The isolation of staying at home was sometimes unbearable. I couldn't always stand my children. (Okay, sometimes all these statements are still true.) But now I feel like I'm grasping at a rope that is slipping through my fingers.
Emily seems so grown up now. Reading, doing math, helping, wanting to earn money. She acts grown up. She acts like a girl now, instead of a
little girl. And Nan is going to preschool next month. I've been pondering and praying for a long time about this but it has become very apparent to me that the best thing for her will be 2 mornings a week away from me. And that's hard. I used to long for the day when the kids weren't around. And I still love my alone time. But now I cherish the time where Emily is
all mine. I can't wait to see her after school. And though I feel conviction in the decision for Nathalie, I also don't want to let her go. Somehow she turned into this beautiful preschooler and I don't know when it happened.
It gives me hope that I have improved since Emily was born. And I also feel overwhelmed by my glaring inadequacies. For they are enormous. I hope someday to become the mother I dream of being. The woman who has all the qualities I desire. I have taken some baby steps since beginning, but I'm hoping for some exponential growth here soon because the speed at which I'm improving isn't nearly fast enough to match the speed at which my girls are growing. I just pray that I can be mother enough for them. Somehow God will have to help me be equal to His task of raising my beautiful daughters.
